I know what I'm doing and I'm not asking you to figure it out.
Too many of these pages are filled with endless questions--some answered, while many have been left unanswered, untouched, forgotten. Deep regret, remorse, and sorrow fill these coffee-stained, spiral-bound books. Tears of joy and tears of sadness have left their mark. My greatest joys have been documented as little rays of sunshine to help brighten future days. Memories with friends, both old and new, litter the margins. These pages are my story, my life. My hopes and dreams are etched across these journals like the pinks and oranges in a Captiva sunset. It's breathtaking, awe-inspiring, and too large to wrap your mind around.
I think I've been trying to figure God out for far too long.
I've heard, and I'm sure I've even Tweeted it at some point, the statement, "Let go & let God." So cliche, yet so catchy. Easy to say, easy to throw out. But, from what I've experienced, easy to say (or easy to Tweet) doesn't necessarily mean easy to live.
Tonight, as I've been sitting with my journal, I've been trying to hash through several things I have been thinking about a lot lately. One thing that I wrote that stands out to me now is, "I just feel like letting go of everything leaves me with more questions than it does answers. But maybe that's the point." Maybe that is the point. Maybe I've spent so much time in the pages of my life trying to figure God out and figure out what He's doing that I've missed something much larger entirely.
What if instead of trying to figure out what I should be doing, what God's plan is for my life, who I should date, what friends I should hang out with, or what career I should pursue, I just sought the face of God?
In the midst of these thoughts going crazy inside my head, God pointed me to His words in Jeremiah 29:11-13. He says, "I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out--plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, I'll listen. When you come looking for me, you'll find me. Yes, when you get serious about me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed. God's Decree."
Those words began to hit me like a ton of bricks. And then, I listened. And God spoke some powerful words into my life. Grab your coffee, lean in & hang on--what you're about to read may get a little rocky, but trust me, the destination is worth it.
When God speaks, His words are life-giving. You can't help but walk away changed in some form or capacity. Tonight, He began breathing words into the depths of my soul that needed to hear them the most:
I know what I'm doing and I'm not asking you to figure it out. I'm asking you to seek me. When you focus on everything else, there's no way you can seek me--how could there be any room? Emily, I'll say it again: I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING & I HAVE IT ALL PLANNED OUT. I haven't asked you to discover those plans on your own. I've said one thing: seek me. In doing that, I've promised you a whole lot. Trust me. For I am good and I can be trusted.God pointed me to Jeremiah 29 because He was speaking those words into my heart. He wasn't just putting a random passage on my mind. He deliberately wanted me to read those verses. The very first part is what strikes me the hardest: I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out. So often, I think that God doesn't know what He is doing. If He knew what He was doing, why would I be struggling? Why would there be tragedy in the world? But the reality of the matter is that He DOES know what He's doing. He's weaving a beautiful tapestry of one girl's life into something much larger than I could try to dream up.
Letting go and letting God is more than a cliche. It's choosing to seek Him, rather than the outcome. In the end, I don't think all the answers matter anyways. I think the only thing that will matter when my life is said & done will be what my relationship with God looks like. And if I'm always focused on the future--the what and how--I'll never be focused on the reason I'm here in the first place.
I think I've been trying to figure God out for far too long. I think it's time to get to know Him. Intimately, deeply, passionately, and personally.