To Love, Be Loved.

I guess you could call me a list maker. Currently, I have eight running to do lists on my phone, all of which I update on a daily basis. I have lists outlining who I need to send thank you cards to, work projects I need to conquer, personal goals I want to meet, and even a list of adventures I plan on tackling with friends. I like the feeling of being organized and knowing where to find information when I need it. But perhaps more than a need to be organized, I like that rush you get when you finally scratch an item off your list, banning it from your memory entirely, leaving no loose ends behind.

Recently, I’ve found that I’ve translated this to do list mentality to other areas of my life…areas outside the realm of projects and items requiring action steps. I’m discovering that much like my reminders of who I need to send thank you cards to, I’ve looked at seasons of my life and even certain friendships as to do list items as well, anxiously trying to check them off my list in order to move on to the next.

But life doesn’t really work that way. And honestly, God never intended for life to be a series of check marks. In fact, I’m beginning to see that perhaps, He never even intended for every chapter to end with a period. Maybe, just maybe, we were never designed to fully close some chapters. Maybe certain chapters are meant to stay open.

If I dive straight to the core of the issue, it all boils down to control. Lists give me a sense of control. I dictate what makes it on the list and can pull an item from the list at any time. Seeing this freedom (or false sense of it), I began organizing my friendships and relationships into to do items in my head, adding a friend when I wanted to, pouring all of my heart and soul into him or her, and then cutting them loose when I felt the friendship was through. Relational list making became a defense mechanism. Rather than choosing to extend and receive love, I neatly categorized my relationships, holding the control in my fists as tightly as I could muster.

But here’s the catch: lists offer a false sense of control.

I could ditch a project to do list tomorrow and the world wouldn’t come crashing down. The project just wouldn’t get accomplished. And you know what, sometimes that’s ok. Categorizing friendships in a list also offers pseudo control. Those relationships never fully blossom into what they could be because I put a lid on their potential. In doing so, I assessed what I assumed the other person was willing to invest in me relationally and kept them boxed into a neat relational category in my head, closing myself off from potential hurt and pain. Do you know what’s utterly heartbreaking about that? I’ve missed out on some incredible relationships because I never allowed the friendship to become all that it could be. I boxed it in. I checked it off. I held onto the cards of control…a control I never really had in the first place.

“By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as He is so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because He first loved us.  If anyone says, ‘I love God,’ and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from Him: whoever loves God must also love his brother.” 1 John 4:17-21

I love how Eugene Peterson translates the 1 John passage: “God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we’re free of worry on Judgment Day—our standing in the world is identical with Christ’s. There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love. We, though, are going to love—love and be loved. First we were loved, now we love. He loved us first. If anyone boasts, ‘I love God,’ and goes right on hating his brother or sister, thinking nothing of it, he is a liar. If he won’t love the person he can see, how can he love the God he can’t see? The command we have from Christ is blunt: Loving God includes loving people. You’ve got to love both.”

When I read those five verses, it’s like a light bulb went on in my head. I’ve been living entirely wrong! John contrasts both love and fear, stating that they can’t co-exist. You can’t simultaneously choose to love others, yet live in fear. It’s impossible. So in essence, my to do lists and false sense of control over my relationships revealed the lack of love in my life—the lack of God’s presence.

1 John 4:17 clearly states God is love. This is the character of the God I serve; it’s His very nature. Later on, John bluntly declares that we can’t even claim to love God if we don’t love others. Let’s break this down, shall we? God is love. Fear is the opposite of love. Therefore there is no fear in the nature of God. Simple, right? Let’s go a step further. Both love and fear are an outward expression each of us choose to live by each day. So if love is the very nature of God, then love is the outpouring of God’s presence in my life. Fear represents a lack of His presence and lack of trust that He will show up like He says He will. Ouch.

There’s one more aspect of this thing called love in 1 John 4 that has become engraved in my mind: to love, we must be loved. Love is a reciprocal act—love is found in both giving and receiving. And that’s where vulnerability comes into the mix. When we choose to extend love, we don’t know if it will be offered back. And that’s downright scary. That alone drives us—me!—to trying to control and categorize relationships, building barriers around our hearts attempting to escape as much pain as possible. But caged love isn’t love. It’s like eating pre-packaged cookie dough. Sure, it tastes sweet and is close to the real thing. But it’s nowhere near as good as that homemade cookie dough your Grandma makes each Christmas. There is a distinct difference. When we stare vulnerability in the face, we must choose fear or love, and risk receiving nothing in return.

My Heavenly Father modeled this for me. God saw me before I even knew Him, and risked vulnerability. He sent His Son to die for me, taking the ugly stench of my sin and replacing it with a clean, white slate. He chose love. He chose to love me regardless of if I would choose to accept His love. He loved me regardless.

That is exactly how He has designed me to live. To stare vulnerability in the face and choose to love—to risk receiving nothing in return and being ok with that. To ditch my façade of to do lists and fully live! I can’t choose both fear and love. I must choose. But here’s the best part: I’m already equipped to love. To love, I must be loved, and I already am. The greatest act of love known to mankind has already taken place! God sent His Son for me! Because of that love, I can extend love…even if no human ever gives it back. I am loved, so I can love.

This post originally appeared on pickyourportion.com.

turning Christmas upside-down

I think we've celebrated Christmas all wrong.

Once a year, we focus on giving to those less fortunate, loving the people around us, and spreading holiday cheer. We're jolly and joyful, giving and receiving, fully aware of the needs around us and our ever-increasing personal wish lists.

But on December 26th, we stop. We countdown to Christmas day with the "25 days of Christmas," and  hear messages of giving to charities, however, the day after Christmas, like a light switch we stop caring whether the nonprofit down the street has enough funding to continue to function.

Why is that? I believe we've settled into this unspoken rhythm, a state and cycle of giving when it's convenient to give...and when we're reminded to give; yet when it's not at the fore-front of our minds, we don't often think about words like partnership, giving, investing, and charity.

Jesus wasn't born for a single day. He was born to bring life for all 365 days of the year. I am thankful for that. He doesn't offer me life or hope one day out of the year...he offers it to me continually, day after day, moment after moment.

So, here's my thought: if the point of Christmas is to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, why do we just celebrate the act of birth? Why don't we celebrate and emulate His life?

If we truly celebrated Jesus' life, we would live it...and that would be a life 24/7/365...not just on 12/25.

Why don't we turn Christmas upside-down....or rather, right-side up?

Rather than focusing on partnering with people during the month of December, what if we partnered with people every day? There are people around us who need Hope, and as a follower of Christ, we have Hope continually with us....so why don't we offer it?

What would our world look like if we made Christmas about more than our wish lists? 800 million people in the world don't have access to safe, clean drinking water, yet we spend $3.4 billion on Christmas. Something is disturbingly wrong with this scenario. I don't know about you, but I don't need another pair of running shoes or another sweater I won't wear...but there are people who NEED water to live.

I want to not only celebrate Christ's birth this Christmas, but I want to live it 365. I want to offer Hope to those around me. I want to give something with my life that last longer than a day. That's why I want to turn Christmas upside-down. Rather than focusing on me, me, me, I want to partner with people and really learn to love and care about those around me.

If you've followed my blog in the past, you know that I gave up my 21st birthday to raise money for charity: water. For Christmas, I'm partnering with charity: water to fight the water crisis again. You can too. Click HERE to give a gift that lasts longer than a day, but literally gives life.

"I am a storyteller."

Several months ago in the social media world, I began hearing this buzz about a girl who was leaving letters for strangers in New York City and mailing hundreds of subsequent letters to people she had never met. My attention was instantly piqued, and I just had to learn more about this girl.

You see, I thought writing letters was a dying art form. I thought I was one of the last people on earth who still cherished exchanging correspondence through hand-written form. Don't get me wrong, I'm a social media nerd. In fact, it's an area I'm studying at school. However, there's just something about tangible thoughts on paper that still grips my heartstrings like nothing else can.

Enter Hannah Brencher. What was initially birthed as a form of therapy, became her life mission. "I am not a strategist or a specialist. I am a storyteller," says Hannah. Since leaving letters on the train in NYC, she's sent over 4,200 letters around the world, spreading a message of love and ultimate hope. The stories from Hannah & her organization, The World Needs More Love Letters, are absolutely INCREDIBLE. Rather than trying to re-count what Hannah is passionate about, I'll let her tell you herself. Watch her TED video below:

these bruises make for better conversation

Today a new friend asked me a question that took me off guard and brought a surge of memories, relationships, feelings and fears to the surface...memories that I try to forget.

We were working on a project, and my friend asked how a tough situation in my past had affected me. I stumbled around for a second, trying to find the right words to say. "I, I don't know," I stuttered.  Over the next few milliseconds, my brain froze. Do I tell this new person deep, raw information about myself, my fears? Or just put on my game face, sweep it under the rug, and give the answers people usually want to hear? Before I could hesitate any longer, I leaped.

"No, I do know. I do know how it affected me." In many ways, that particular tough situation still does affect me to my core, shaking the contents of my heart and brain around like building blocks in a dryer. Loud and uncomfortable. Painful. That's why I don't let myself bring it to the surface. I trick myself into believing that the deeper I bury the reality of how I was affected, I will protect myself. That, however, only does more internal damage.

That initial question trailed into a full-blown, 30-minute conversation that felt more like a wrestling match inside my head. What this person was asking me about required me to reveal my true thoughts...something I'm often not willing to do.

"So, what sets you off?" my friend asked.

"Not knowing where I stand with people," I replied.

"What do you mean?"

Over the past seven years, I've lived in a season of change. Good, frustrating, annoying, humiliating, scary change. In this season, I have really, really struggled with trusting, loving and forgiving people. One minute, they love you and the next you're out like last year's fashion wondering what went wrong. Through that, I've learned to protect myself by building walls around my heart, not opening up honestly to people, masking my emotions with my "game face," and constantly living with the feeling of walking on a tight rope, afraid that it will snap at any given point.

Truth is, we've all got bruises.

Every person that has been woven into the story of my life was written in for a reason. It may have only been for a chapter, or even just a page, but they were written into my story. Sometimes I don't like why their character was suddenly pulled out of my life or the situation surrounding it. And there are times when I just seriously want other characters erased forever from my memory. But those lives that have intersected with mine are significant. They have bruises too.

"How do you let people know where you stand with them?"

That question threw me back. I had honestly never thought about it before. I am so consumed with how people treat me, figuring out their agenda, or deciding if they're honest or not, that I'm missing what I'm communicating to them--and ultimately myself. I'm missing out on the fact that I'm not being honest either, wearing my mask like I'm living in some gaudy masquerade ball, hiding my feelings because I'm too afraid that if I'm honest I'll just get burned like every other time I've opened up.

After our conversation, I struggled, letting questions tumble around in my head: did I answer the questions the right way? Should I have answered differently? Does my friend think I'm a total loser when it comes to the people department? I mean, I work in a church! Shouldn't I be a pro at dealing with people?

I grabbed my car keys, started the ignition, and began to drive home, questions still shaking around in my brain like animated iPhone apps. When the radio came on, the first lyrics to reach my ears were from Train's new album. Floored, overwhelmed and actually, relieved, I listened to the sweet words entering my ears, "These bruises make for better conversation, loses the vibe that separates. It's good to let you in again. You're not alone in how you've been. Everybody loses--we all got bruises."

My story is significant and worth more than shoving down the drain. Yes, I've been bruised. But so have the people who have bruised me. It's time to let people in again. Breathe in. Breathe in and out again. I'm pretty sick of always putting on my "game face" and trying to hide my story, my past--it just took taking a leap and answering really hard questions as rawly as I could to see that.

To my friend, keep the tough questions coming. We've all got bruises.

friends are like chocolate

Last night I learned something pretty cool & so entirely true: friends are like chocolate--you can never have too many & they're food for the soul.

I'm learning that relationships are an extremely important part of LIVING...so important that we were designed

to do life with other people.

We are better together.

Life is sweeter together.

We need each other.

ReFRESH: Chocolate-Covered Conversations at Church of Hope was an absolute blast filled with loads of chocolate, fresh flowers, lots of laughter, the rekindling of many friendships as well as the budding of new ones.

Life surely is sweeter together.

Adios, fast-food mentality

Sometimes I think it's the little things in life that make the biggest impact. Case in point: a plastic plate put a huge smile on my face the other day.

Let's rewind a little bit, shall we? I was headed home from Passion 2012 in ATL, and stopped at Chick-fil-A to grab some lunch (best road trip food ever). Many of you have been on my jaw surgery journey with me over the past three years. I didn't write about it over the past few weeks, but I had my last surgery a few weeks ago! (To read more about my journey, click here.) Being in recovery, I am limited on what I can eat. So, tiny bites of really soft things are my best friend at the moment. Going to Chick-fil-A, I knew I would need to break up my lunch into little pieces....and typically, Chick-fil-A food doesn't come on a plate. So what did I do? I asked the server if he had any plastic plates I could have. He said he would check, but really didn't know. No big deal. I went on, found a table with my friends, and forgot about even asking for a plate! The next thing I know, the server came and found me to give me a plate! I was literally so excited I wanted to give him a hug!

"OK, boring story, Emily. What's your point?" Yes, yes, I hear you. I'm getting there! This little story may seem inconsequential, but in that moment it's like time froze in my mind. Jesus used a server at Chick-fil-A to teach me something extremely important: don't treat people like fast-food meals. This guy could've gone on with his day without following up with me. He didn't have to find a plate and give it to me--he didn't even know that I had recently had surgery and couldn't eat normally. He just saw me as a typical customer asking for something extra. But he helped me anyways.

In Psalm 14, God searches for just one man--one woman--ready for God to move. Verses 2-4 in the Message version says, "God sticks his head out of heaven. He looks around. He's looking for someone not stupid--one man, even, God-expectant, just one God-ready woman. He comes up empty. A string of zeroes. Useless, unshepherded sheep, taking turns pretending to be Shepherd. The ninety and nine follow their fellow. Don't they know anything, all these impostors? Don't they know they can't get away with this--treating people like a fast-food meal over which they're too busy to pray?"

Last week, I heard the Word of God in an unmistakeable way. He has good works for me to do right now--TODAY. I don't need to wait to do great things until I have my career nailed down, have a family, or find that perfect BFF. I can do good NOW....I just have to step into God's story today. I don't want to treat people like fast-food meals over which I'm too busy to pray. I want to walk slowly with a smile on my face, showering love and grace onto everyone God places in front of me right now, today.

Adios, fast-food mentality. God, I choose to step into your story NOW, today. I don't want to wait until I perceive that I have this thing called life figured out--because quite honestly, I don't think I'll ever even get there. God, I choose to live today, inhale deeply, and love abundantly.

Nothing Left

I couldn't have read something that more perfectly describes exactly where I'm at--and what I've been searching for--right now. Rather than even trying to expound upon this truth, I'm tucking it away inside my heart, sitting in the presence of Jesus & asking Him to make me whole.

"I was coming to understand that what it means to be real is to love and be loved until there is nothing left. And when there's nothing left, and we feel we're all in pieces, God begins to make us whole. He makes us real. His love sets us free and transforms us." - Katie Davis, Kisses from Katie

To read more about Katie Davis, read my post, Kisses from Katie: My Life in the Red Dirt of Uganda

Proceed With Caution

Warning: Only read the following statement if you're ready for a heart-wrenching, prospective-altering, throw-you-upside-down kind of truth headed straight for your heart & soul.

Ok, now that you've been fairly warned (and if you're choosing to proceed), check out the statement that keeps tumbling around in my head like a ton of bricks thrown into the clothes dryer:

"I want to have fewer rules & fewer conditions on how other people should live. Instead, more understanding, more space, more grace." - Shauna Niequist via Twitter

Wow. Really, that's all I've got to say. Rather than try to come up with something clever to expound on this statement, I'm going to just sit & allow it to permeate my heart. God, help me become a woman who overflows with grace.

Why A Love Like Water And Chaos?

I often find myself writing about the mess that we find so often in life--walking and leading through shades of grey, closed doors, new opportunities, and stepping out in faith. And, quite honestly, I have been learning that this "mess" was designed to help us grow and reach our full potential so that we can truly thrive. Think back to a time when you felt lost in the mess of life...how did you feel while you were in the dark?--how did you feel when you came out? This mess brings us to a point in our lives where we aren't where we were, but not yet where we want to be. In this land of between we must choose to trust God so that He can grow us up into who He has designed us to be!

Living in these moments sure isn't easy though. It is easy to write about...to sing about...to dream and think about; but when we get right down to it, why is it that we struggle just living in the mess? Why do we feel like we need to take back the reins of life and figure everything out? I believe it all boils down to two things: 1) we aren't trusting God, and 2) we haven't truly experienced the magnitude of His love.

The love of Jesus Christ is not from some Hollywood chick flick. The love of Christ is never-ending. His love is all-consuming and powerful. His love celebrates weakness because in our weakness we have the opportunity to bring glory to His Name. His love never leaves--even when we are angry, hurt, and confused. His love doesn't give up on us. His love is so great that He sent His only Son to die to save us (John 3:16). His love fills us, completes us, redeems us. His love guides us. His love is indescribable.

If we truly take the time to sit in the magnitude of His tremendous love for us and just try to think about how much He loves us, I can guarantee you that you won't be able to walk away unchanged. And that's what this blog is all about...being still in the presence of God to listen to His voice in the midst of this thing called life.

I'm just a broken-down Jesus girl on this dusty trail called life. Writing is one of my passions along with photography, hanging out with my little sisters, trying new coffee drinks at Starbucks, running, spending lots of time at the beach, and reading new books. One of the things I have learned over the past several years is that love is a lot like water and chaos. In her book, Paperdoll, Natalie Lloyd says:

I want love that is infinite, not flimsy. I want to experience the kind of love that boggles my mind with its depth and dimension. I want a love I can hold up to my heart like a kaleidoscope. Change the way I see things. Change the way I live. Teach me how to love. Take this beautiful mess and make it a masterpiece. Love won't shatter my heart with conditions. It accepts, uplifts, and redefines. I want a love that gives me peace; a love that wraps around my shoulders like a blanket, pulling me close, whispering, "welcome home." I want a love like chaos, stirring my imagination, igniting me with passion, showing up in places I never expected. I want a love I can swim in. I want to dive deeper and deeper and move faster against the current until I feel as if my lungs are going to explode. And then, when I break the surgace, I want love to be my first furious breath of air--intoxicating, invigorating, alive.

This is the journey I'm on...a journey of embracing this love like water and chaos. I want His love to change me...radically; because I know that when I allow His love to completely change me, I will begin to see the messes of life as my biggest blessings. Will you join me?

No More Sorta Kindas

Ready to sell my aorta for a quarter...not knowing the value of its use to me. Arteries so clogged with my will, it blocked His will from flowing through me. So I thank Christ that His blood pressure gave this heart an attack that flat-lined my obscured vision, put me flat on my back. Through my ignorance He saw, so through my sternum He sawed and cracked open my chest to transplant Psalm 51:10....a new heart & a renewed right spirit within. So now I fully understand, better yet I thoroughly comprehend how much I need to wait for you.

I won't settle for false companionship...

Valentine's Day is Over-Rated

Moon roof open, windows down, radio on. Just another typical morning on my way to American History--driving through open horse country, singin' along, & enjoying the scenery! So, this song, "Two Is Better Than One," comes on (Cute song! Plus Taylor Swift performs it in, so you can't go wrong!). After the song ends, the radio announcer starts talking...

"Yeah, I bet you don't want to hear that song if you don't have anyone this Valentine's Day. That's depressing. You better make sure that you find someone in time for next Valentine's Day!"

OK....first thought: what is this guy thinking?!!! Then it went to: oh goodness he's right!!! I do need to find someone to buy me chocolate. And ended with: this is absolutely PATHETIC!Here's my question: Why does it seem like Valentine's Day is simply about having a relationship--any kind--just so that you can say you weren't "alone"?

Sadly, today, it seems like we are searching for one-time flings for a day just to say we have plans or were asked out rather than thinking long term. Paradigm shift here: relationships are not meant to be temporary fixes to our seemingly huge problems. Relationships are meant to last (I'm talking both friendships and romantic relationships here). God does not put people in our lives for us to carelessly use and throw away when we are all done. His plan and purpose for love--genuine love--is not for us to find a guy who is willing to spend $5 on a box of chocolate and pick up a dozen roses in order to take us on a one-time fling. I don't know about you, but I'm not interested in or looking for a guy who just wants someone's name to fill into an empty spot in his outlook. I'm looking for a man who is a servant and a warrior--a man who seeks after Jesus first and foremost. I come second. Period. End of story.

Sound pretty straightforward? Well, yeah. I don't know how else to put it! Valentine's Day is about so much more than finding a dinner date. Valentine's Day is not something to be dreaded if you are "single." Valentine's Day is a day where we can radiate the love of Christ--just like any other day! It doesn't matter if you have a boyfriend/girlfriend on this particular day of the year or not. God's word makes it pretty clear: "Don't excite love, don't stir it up, until the time is ripe—and you're ready." (Song of Songs 2:7) Not sure if you can get any more clear than that!

Goal for Valentine's Day? Let Christ shape and mold my heart....not search for a guy to temporarily hold it.

Just a thought.

My LoveLife Revealed...

If you follow me on Twitter, you were probably bombarded with witty Tweets on relationships this past Saturday. CRU @ UF hosted Mark Driscoll's LoveLife Conference on Saturday, Feb. 5th, and let me tell you, it was way worth the endless supply of witty comments. Mark's insights gave me a lot to think about...

@PastorMark: "The average guy plays 2.5 hrs of video games a day. That's not sin. Neither is eating your lawn mower. It's just stupid." #obvi

@PastorMark: "Two things make a man sexy: a Bible and a job."#lovelifetips

@PastorMark: "Don't get in a serious dating relationship until you're in a season when you're ready to be married."

Wow. Talk about the truth behind this statement. Personally, I am in a season where many of my friends are in serious relationships, talking about marriage, getting engaged, and are planning their weddings. Talk about a time shock! I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I'll be 20-years-old this year! When Mark said this, it resonated inside of me. Just because many of my friends are in this stage in my life does not mean that I am in that stage yet. And that's perfectly ok.

@PastorMark: "If you're dating more than one girl, you're a player. Which is the Greek word for douche bag." #sorryboys

@PastorMark: "Ultimately, marriage is about friendship."

That statement is so, so true. It's far too easy to get caught up in the butterflies, spontaneity, and romantic dates, but on the day that you hit rock bottom by reaching the end of your rope, only your deepest, truest friend can be there to help. Excuse my brutal honesty here, but someone you use just for steamy make-out sessions won't be there to hold your hand when you find out that your Mom has cancer. That guy just using you to fulfill his cravings won't care when you find out that you didn't get into the school of your dreams. But your best friend will be there. He'll be the one by your side in the thick of the battle. A statement I heard once in a movie has just stuck inside my head & I plan on keeping it there, "Love is friendship on fire." I don't know about you, but when I think about the scope and sequence of my life, I know that I don't want to marry someone simply to check it off the proverbial bucket list. I want to marry my best friend...someone I know that I can't go another sixty years without.

@PastorMark: "Intimacy is more than a physical collision, it's a heart connection." #songofsolomon

A close friend once wisely told me, "Emily, you'll know he's not the right guy for you when you know that you can live without him. If, however, you know that you can't live a day without him by your side, then he's the man for you." Please hear me on this, I am by no means saying that a man replaces Jesus being by your side. If you are a Christ-follower, you can hold true to the promise that Jesus Christ will never leave you or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5). He will most definitely be there in your weakest and darkest moments. This post is just some girl-to-girl advice when it comes to this whole relationships thing (and for you guys reading, you can take these words to heart too!). Intimacy with a guy (or for your guy-readers, a girl) is so much more than sex. To truly have an intimate relationship, you have to be connected on every level--emotionally, spiritually, mentally, relationally, and physically. It's all about oneness.

@MyLoveLife: God is good and He can be TRUSTED. #insidescoop

I've heard it said that timing is everything, and I would have to agree. God's timing is perfect. My God is a good God and He can be trusted. He can be trusted in every area of my life...including my love life. Trust isn't a word that allows room for choice. It doesn't let one pick and choose different areas to work on or avoid. Trust is a hanging on word. I'm choosing to hang onto the very God who created my heart and the desires that come with it. And that, my friends is my LoveLife revealed.

A Love Like Chaos

Have you ever read a book that inspired you to take action? A book that made you laugh and cry? A book where you could swear the author must have been spying on you in order to describe your most inward thoughts?

If I could only recommend one book (outside of the Bible), I would highly recommend Natalie Lloyd's book, Paperdoll. Reading this book literally felt like I was having a conversation with Natalie over a Peppermint Mocha as we talked about my biggest worries, fears, joys, and dreams.

Have you ever felt like when you just get to that "next spot" in your life you will be content?--when you get your degree, find the right guy, land your dream job, look a certain way, or start your own family? I know that I have definitely experienced my days of comparing myself to the faces staring back at me on magazine racks at Barnes & Nobles and wishing that I looked a certain way, dressed a certain way, or had a achieved the high sought-after popularity. The whole idea throughout Paperdoll is that we are already loved and valued. "There's something different about the Man by the well. He sees the real truth behind our smile. He knows when our smile is fake. He sees the motive behind our actions. He sees where we've been hurt in the past, and He wants to make us whole again. And He wants all of us-the brave part and the insecure, the bright and brooding. We get to bring the mess of who we are to Him and sort it out there in His presence." The God of the Universe created us exactly how He dreamed we should be! It's time to stop living in the land of paperdolls and fake perfection and choose to be real in the world around us.

I am declaring war on perfection. I'm deciding to finally be who God created me to be-flaws, fears, failures and all! I'm choosing to rip off the paper masks that I've created and just be me...and be totally and completely in love with the One who designed me the way that I am!

Want to join me? You can fight against paperdoll conformity too! I STRONGLY encourage you to dig into your Bible and pick up a copy of Paperdoll. Let Natalie's words inspires and encourage you.

BUT, you can also have the opportunity to WIN A SIGNED COPY of Natalie's book right here! What do you have to do to win? Choose one of the three options below:

1. Follow me on Twitter (www.twitter.com/emilybcummins) and tweet this blog post.
2. Email me @ emilybc91@yahoo.com why you want to fight against paperdoll conformity.
3. Comment on this post why you want to read the book.

The winner will be announced on Friday, December 3!

Wrong About Love

i have been wrong about love for a while now.

Love is not about me and never will be. When I try to make loving others about what I can gain in return, it isn't really love. That's selfishness.

In 1 Corinthians 13, Christ maps out exactly what love looks like. According to God's Word, we are nothing without love. Paul even goes on to say that we need to love as if our lives depended on it (1 Corinthians 14:1).

love never gives up.

love cares more for others than for self.

love doesn't want what it doesn't have.

love doesn't strut,

doesn't have a swelled head,

doesn't force itself on others,

isn't always "me first,"

doesn't fly off the handle,

doesn't keep score of the sins of others,

doesn't revel when others grovel,

takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,

puts up with anything,

trusts God always,

always looks for the best,

never looks back,

but keeps going to the end.

If I'm honest, I haven't been loving like that. Love has been about "me first" and has kept score of the wrongs done to me. It's amazing to think that I thought I had forgiven those who have hurt me, yet I was still walking around with that weight on my shoulders. By holding onto my hurt, rather than truly and fully forgiving those who've hurt me, I developed a pride and selfishness in my heart that said, "Emily, look out for yourself. Help those who can help you in return. Love those who will love you back. Then you won't get hurt again." This past Sunday at Church of Hope, we had the opportunity to be the mercy seat to those we need to forgive. We literally wrote on a wall, "God, i forgive..."

After writing those words on that wall this weekend, emotions poured out of me that I had suppressed for years. I had thought in my mind that simply saying, "I forgive _________" meant that I had forgiven them; however, writing on that wall made my decision of mercy concrete. I saw it in black and white for the first time and it rocked my world. At that moment, I saw a level of my heart that I had tried to mask--I have been selfishly loving for personal benefit.

When God brought 1 Corinthians 13 to my attention, I thought I already knew what it said. When I read it again this weekend, though, I realized that I had missed the point entirely. Love is so different that how I have imagined it to be. I thought love was a task to be completed. In reality, love is a lifestyle to be adopted. Love is a completeness from the One who completes me and makes me who I am. I cannot truly love others until I have experienced this amazing love myself. When I realize that the Creator of those beautiful stars loves me with a passionate and unconditional love, how can I not praise Him? How can I not pursue Him--and passionately at that? When I choose to focus my eyes on Christ alone, I can truly love. When I try to love out of my own strength, I am loving others for my own benefit--and that's not love according to the One who created love. That's love according to the world who modified it. Love reaches outside of myself to a dying world that needs to experience the same forgiveness that Christ extended to me on the cross.

Lord, thank you for waking me up! I do not want to live focused on myself. I want to live according to the purpose that you created me for. I want to love people because they are your sons and daughters. I want to love truly and genuinely. Help me to care more about others than I do about myself. Root out the pride and selfishness in my heart, and make me a woman after Your heart alone. Help me to offer mercy and forgiveness to those who have hurt me. Thank you for completing me. I love you.

I am not God. I cannot change on my own. Christ alone can change this heart of mine. Through His power and guidance, I'm making a U-turn and walking down the path of truly loving people.

"Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of these three is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13, the message

Not a Hollywood Hot Pink Love

Lately I have been writing about the mess that we find so often in life--walking and leading through shades of grey, closed doors, new opportunities, and stepping out in faith. And, quite honestly, I have been learning that this mess was designed to help us grow and reach our full potential so that we can thrive. Think back to a time when you felt lost in the mess of life...how did you feel while you were in the dark?--how did you feel when you came out? This mess brings us to a point in our lives where we aren't where we were, but not yet where we want to be. In this land of between we must choose to trust God so that He can grow us up!

Living in these moments sure isn't easy though. It is easy to write about...to sing about...to dream and think about; but when we get right down to it, why is it that we struggle just living in the mess? Why do we feel like we need to take back the reins of life and figure everything out? I believe it all boils down to two things: 1) we aren't trusting God, and 2) we haven't truly experienced the magnitude of His love.

The love of Jesus Christ is not from some Hollywood chick flick. The love of Christ is never-ending. His love is all-consuming and powerful. His love celebrates weakness because in our weakness we have the opportunity to bring glory to His Name. His love never leaves--even when we are angry, hurt, and confused. His love doesn't give up on us. His love is so great that He sent His only Son to die to save us (John 3:16). His love fills us, completes us, redeems us. His love guides us. His love is indescribable.

If we truly take the time to sit in the magnitude of His tremendous love for us and just try to think about how much He loves us, I can guarantee you that you won't be able to walk away unchanged.

The song below is a "celebration of weakness and anger and of a God who would hang with us through those things despite who we are."

How He Loves : A Song Story from john mark mcmillan on Vimeo.

What Do You Love About Me?

"Honey, what do you love about me?" The question came around 11 p.m.--not a particularly difficult question, well at least it didn't seem so. "Hun, do we really need to go over this again?" Why is he making this an issue? I mean, c'mon! I'm just asking what he loves about me....I need a boost of confidence here! Can't he see that? "Yes. I need to know! What do you love about me? Why do you love me?" Slight pause. Oh goodness. Is he tired or is there something wrong with me? I knew it! I just knew it! "I love you because you are Rachel." Huh? He loves me because I am Rachel. Just because I am me. "Ok hun. Can I go to sleep now?"


A friend told me this story not too long ago. She was looking for some confidence in who she was as a woman. When her husband told her, "I love you because you are Rachel," she knew that that was the message that God was trying to get her to see. She is loved simply because of who she is.


After that conversation with her husband, God began to speak to her saying, "Rachel, I love you because you are Rachel. You cannot do anything, wear anything, say anything, or serve me in any special way that could ever make me love you more or less than I do right now." It's like it instantly clicked in her mind. She was loved because of who she was.


You are loved infintely and completely. You can never do anything to impress God. God loves you more than you will ever even realize! He sent His only Son to die for you. If you were the only person on the earth, Jesus would have still died on the cross and rose on the third day. Why? Because He is madly in love with you. At the end of the day, what are you focusing on? Trying to find confidence in how you look? Hate to break it to ya but yes, breakouts and bad hair days do happen in this world. Or maybe you look for confidence in your friends or boyfriend. People are fickle. Period. Perhaps you look to your grades, job, or hobbies. Once again...life isn't perfect. Only one thing is: Jesus' infintely passionate love for you.


Jesus is wild about you. When will you start living like you actually believe it?

Guarding My Crazy Heart

Have you ever noticed just how hard it is to control your emotions? C'mon! You know exactly what I mean. You see that hot, stud of a guy walk by you on your way to class and your heartbeat quickens just a little bit. You pick up the latest copy of Seventeen, see what the "latest" look is and begin frantically trying to find quarters and dimes in your couch so you can afford that next $100 pair of jeans. Our hearts can become quite a sticky mess pretty easily that's for sure.


Let's be honest here. Wait, first you may want to brace yourself. Sit down. Grab a cup of sweet tea. Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Good....OK, ready? We need to guard our hearts. I know, I know. I hear ya, "That's what I needed to brace myself for? I thought you were going to say I needed to gouge my eyes out when I daydream about that gorgeous lifeguard or something!" Ah, no. No eye-gouging here. I like to see thank you very much! Guarding our hearts is actually not as easy as it sounds. You can't just put up a brick wall with an iron gate around your heart and think that will do the trick. Unfortunately we can't guard ourselves with a castle wall and moat system (Too bad...there are some things I would love to throw to the alligators!). So what in the world am I talking about here? Hang on!

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Proverbs 4:23, NIV

Obviously the Proverbs writer thought that our hearts are pretty important. He says above all else, meaning to make it your #1 priority. He says that our heart is actually the wellspring of life. Basically he is saying that everything about us stems from our hearts--our thoughts, actions, attitudes, desires, words, and wishes. We can think of our hearts as a vault in a palace where the Queen's most precious diamonds are kept safe. There are guards whose entire job is to make sure that the vault is kept safe and secure, unharmed by negative influences. Our hearts are the exact same way. Your heart is a vault storing rare and beautiful treasures. Treasures of your emotions, feelings, thoughts, loves, desires, attitudes, etc. You wouldn't want just anything or anyone influencing those gems would you? Would you want just any cowboy Casanova to ride on in and steal your heart? I don't think so. Only prince charming should be allowed to enter those walls!


Negative influences vs. positive influences. How could you even begin to define what you should allow in and out of your heart? Good news! The Proverbs writer goes on to tell us....

Put away perversity from your mouth; keep corrupt talk far from your lips. Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you. Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm. Do not swerve to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil. Proverbs 4:24-27, NIV

I think a lot of what goes on with our heart condition has to do with what we are focusing on. The Proverbs writer seems to think so too. He specifically mentions what we look at, or in other words, what we focus intently on--what our eyes are fixated on. What you are looking at is where you are headed. So if you are focusing on that jerk of a guy simply because his muscles bugle out of his arms and his faces resembles that of Channing Tatum, then you are headed towards heartbreak. I'm not guy-bashing here. This is something that is extremely easy for us girls to fall prey to. We notice a guy for his looks and are attracted to him solely on that basis. Sadly, even after girls do get to know a guy and see what his true character looks like it is only after their heart has become involved--crushes can be dangerous things! The same scenario is true for virtually everything that we allow into our hearts and minds. If you focus on believing that you are fat, you are walking towards low self-esteem and possible depression. How and what we focus on makes all the difference. The Proverbs writer also says do not swerve to the right or the left. He is saying that our hearts are such a big deal that we can't treat them flippantly anymore. This has to be a priority.


I've decided something. Well, actually, I am definitely still in the process of learning and growing in it, but I am deciding to just jump and do it. I'm giving my heart away. Huh? Yep, you heard me correctly. I'm giving my heart away. My prayer is simply this: "Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it. Seal it for Thy courts above." I'm giving God my heart. You see, I can't guard my heart. I'm just not strong enough. When I see that guy, my heart does beat faster. When I see that big, juicy cheeseburger my heart totally wants it. When I look in the mirror, I don't always like what I see. I can't humanly do it. But I do know someone who can. The amazing thing is, He wants to take my heart and guard it for me. By allowing Jesus total access and control to my heart, my vault of gems, I am allowing Him to be in control of my life. I'm giving Him the keys and letting Him steer me in whichever direction He wants me to go. So now, when I look at that guy, I talk to God about how I am feeling. When I see that cheeseburger I ask God to be my comfort instead of food. When I look in the mirror I thank God because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. This keeps my heart and emotions in line. By giving God 100% control, my emotions can't run wild. I know when I try to take control by how I respond to those triggers in my heartstrings. When my emotions do start running crazy, I have to stop and give the key to my heart back to God. Simple? Definitely not. Worth it? You bet.


I want to take my crazy heart seriously, so for me I need a visual reminder--something to constantly remind me that God holds my heart. To do this, I have a ring that I wear on my ring finger. I used to wear a traditional "true love waits" ring, but after I found this one I just knew it was perfect. To me, this ring symbolizes God holding my heart. Since I am His daughter, I am His princess--thus the crown on top of the heart. Every time I look at my hand and see this ring, it just helps me remember to let God have control of this crazy heart of mine.

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Proverbs 4:23, NIV

In Our Love Be Lifted High

Love is used so flippantly. "I love chocolate." "I love your dress!" "I love the beach." Love, love, love--what does it really mean and how can we truly love?

The dictionary defines love as "a strong feeling towards a person or an object." The Bible's definition differs from Mr. Webster's point of view, however. 1 Corinthians 13:7 defines real love: "Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, doesn't have a swelled head, doesn't force itself on others, isn't always 'me first,' doesn't fly off the handle, doesn't keep score of the sins of others, doesn't revel when others grovel, takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end." Real love does not sound as easy as the statements mentioned above! Real love takes a lot of hard work and dedication. Real love is not a feeling. Feelings can deceive us and lead us away from what is good for us. I may feel like eating a cookie, but cookies are not healthy for my body. I may not feel like studying for a test, but if I don't I will not get a good grade. Do you see what I mean? Feelings are misleading and not concrete. God's Word will always lead us in the right direction and will never change. Real love is a choice to point to Jesus in everything we do.


Real love can only be demonstrated by a genuine heart. Romans 12:9-10 says, "Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle." Real love cannot be faked. Let's be honest here, people know when you are not being genuine. Teenagers can smell a faker from miles away. Fake love is far from real love. Fake love reaches out to others when it is convenient or opportune. Fake love glorifies self rather than focusing on reaching others. Real love isn't easy, but its results are definitely worth it.


God has been re-shaping my views on the little word "love" that changes our lives in so many ways. Love isn't about romance, flowers, Valentine's Day, or chocolate. Love is about lifting Jesus' Name higher. Yes, there is such a thing a romance and there is a holiday centered around this, but God's version of love is different--it is a real kind of love. A love that never fades. A love that never dies (1 Corinthians 13:8).

L Is For the Way You Look At Me . . .

"But wer'e in love!" "He told me that he loves me!" "I love that about you!" "I would love you more if you just..."



I think we have all heard these statements before. They pretty much ring through almost every secular song, commercial, tv show, and movie. Commericals even advertise that you can get a date if you wear their lotion! OK, that is just a bit ridiculous if you ask me! But, in all honesty, we are in a generation seeking l-o-v-e.



I know that there are many different "forms" of love, but I can't help but wonder, what is love? Most of the time I think of the mushy-were-together-forever kind of love, but is that true love?



This is seriouly a great question to think about and research, so, of course, I looked up the meaning of love....

• A profoundly tender, affectionate passion for another person.
• A feeling of warm, personal attachment.
• Sexual passion or desire.
• A strong, positive emotion of regard and affection.

OK, so Mr. Webster didn't help me out too much there. Is love really that broad? I think love is a little bit simpler than all of that! So, what did I consult next? Google, of course!

• Alrighty, there are 2,370,000,000 results!

I think that Google's definition(s) of love are even more broad! I don't even know where to start looking! So now I am going to check out the most important definition of love. This definition comes from the Creator of love, so I am pretty sure He knows exactly what it is!

According to God's Word, 1 Corinthians 13 says, "Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, Doesn't have a swelled head, Doesn't force itself on others, Isn't always "me first," Doesn't fly off the handle, Doesn't keep score of the sins of others, Doesn't revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end."

Wow, that is extremely deep, yet really simple too. So basically, God defines "love" as a person who cares so much about the well-being of others that the cultural lies of "me first" never even seem to surface. That is actually pretty tough. Webster's definitions were a lot easier than this! Mr. Webster merely defined love as a passion, and most of the time sexual, for another person. That is easy to do. We all long for relationships with others--especially those of dating relationships. But what God tells us about love isn't all that easy.

Following God isn't easy, just like true love isn't easy. But which version of love is more worthwhile? Webster's temporary love that has shifting passions? Or God's love that only thinks about you rather than Himself? I would say that God's love is stronger--anyone who cares about me more than themselves is showing me true love. How am I doing that for other people today? I want to be a true lover--a person who loves others unconditionally because I am thinking of their needs rather than my own. Wow, God set up a pretty cool model for us to follow. He has even already shown us the greatest example of love in that He loved us so much that He sent His only Son to die for you and for me. Now that is what I call true love. . . .

Anything for Love

Wednesday night my youth pastor brought a message entitled, "Anything for Love." He talked about the woman at the well in John 4. The woman at the well represents all of us that are searching for something to fill that God-sized hole in our hearts. The woman going to the well that day had been married five times and was currently living with a man she wasn't even married to. She was searching for someone to wrap their arms around her and simply love her for who she was. When she went to the well, she went at the hottest part of the day and to the farthest well just to steer clear of the other women who made fun of her. So when Jesus was at the well and asked for some water, she thought that He was there harass her, when He was there to show her what real love was all about. After the woman realized that Jesus wasn't there to cuss her out or lower her self-esteem any farther, she began to think that He had something new to offer her. We have all been there--we are all looking for something to fill our lives whether it be grades, friends, boyfriends, good looks, or sports. We are all searching for something that makes us feel worthy and accepted. We all want to feel needed and loved. This woman thought that Jesus was bringing her another thing to maybe fill her empty heart with. What she didn't yet realize was that He was there to fill her heart for eternity. He wants to fill us so that we are never empty again. How cool is that? This woman had to choose to be honest with Jesus. She was honest with Him and explained where she was in life--she had been divorced five times and was living with a man! But you know what, Jesus loved her anyways. In fact, I think at that moment of honesty He even loved her more. She chose to be vulnerable and she knew that she could not invite His everlasting love into her life until she became honest with where she was in life. Where am I? Where are you today? Do you need to get honest with God and explain that you have been searching so hard for popularity that you have completely ignored His love? Being honest isn't easy, but it is totally worth it. After this precious woman was honest, Jesus told her who He was and changed her life. God saw who this Samaritan woman for who she was--a hurting woman who wanted love and affection--and loved her through her pain. Jesus sees you through the pain of your parents divorce and He sees you through the mistakes that you have made with your boyfriend. And guess what--He loves you anyway. I don't know about you, but that really excites me! So, the question we need to ask ourselves is, "What am I searching for to find happiness" and "Am I willing to be honest with Christ today?"

The choice, well that's up to you.