squeeze the day.

With moving to a new place comes a laundry list of new things: new vehicle registration, new doctors offices, new dentists, new friends, new favorite restaurants, new grocery stores, new gas stations, new...everything. My strategy over the last few months has been to tackle all of the "new" items one check mark at a time. Last week, the time came to tackle the "find a doctor" item on my to do list. So I did my research, asked a few friends, and landed on my best choice. I dialed the number, made an appointment, and put a nice big check mark next to that line item. Check. One more item off the list.

And then I got sick.

And not just sick, but down-for-the-count, can't-get-out-of-bed, losing-track-of-days kind of sick. By the time the day of my appointment rolled around, I couldn't have been happier to have tackled that to do list item the week before. I walked into my new doctor's office, conquered paperwork, went through the initial examinations, and then waited for the doctor's diagnosis.

"I'd like to get some x-rays and blood work done to check this out a little further," came her steady reply. "I think you potentially passed a kidney stone and I want to see if you have any other stones. You can get the x-ray taken care of today, and tackle the blood work tomorrow."

X-rays. No problem. That's practically like taking a nap. But blood work? Yikes. That wasn't something I was prepared for. Let me explain why...

In 2009, I had orthognathic jaw surgery. In a memorable turn of events, the surgery didn't go quite as planned and post-operation, I ended up in the ER dehydrated with nurses attempting to get an IV in my system. They tried 16 times before having any success. Just about every vein in my body was jabbed and poked as I pleaded with my own skin to cooperate. The final attempt happened to be in the veins in my neck. I vividly remember being positioned so that my body was upside-down, blood rushing to my head, and the nurse trying to secure an IV needle. I don't think I've ever screamed as much as I did in those few moments. At one point, I remember my Dad, staring straight into my eyes, saying, "Emily, pretend you're somewhere else. You're on a beach! You're on Sanibel Island. We're walking there right now!" I could only look angrily as the pain continued. Finally, a baby needle was brought out and a vein in my hand decided to cooperate. Fast-forward back to 2014.

As soon as I heard the words "blood work" escape my doctor's mouth, I couldn't help but re-live the adventure I just described above. And believe me, that's no walk down memory lane. It's more like a sprint through nightmare avenue. My body tensed as I mentally made note of everything I needed to take care of. Pick up my medication at the Pharmacy. Check. Get x-rays done. Check. Buy a ton of cranberry juice. Check. Ask my Dad how to survive kidney stones. Check, check, check. Get blood work taken care of. I don't want to say check.

But this was something I had to do.

So early the next day, my roommate and I made the trek back to the doctor's office for my dreaded blood work. I was nervous. My palms were sweating. I wanted to cry. All I could envision was the nurse hanging me upside-down and drawing blood from my neck. The fear was real. I wanted to escape. And then my name was called. The moment had come. I walked back and took a seat. As the typical "find a vein" search started, I stared fearfully at Shelby and asked her to hold my hand. She tried to take my mind off of it as the nurse said, "Here we go." And it just happened. I felt a tiny prick. But it happened. There was no pain, no second tries, no hanging me upside down. It worked. My baby veins conquered my blood work. I stared fear in the face and won. And after winning, I celebrated with a smoothie and the reminder to "squeeze" the day. It only seemed fitting.

The night before having my blood work done, I was on the phone with my parents, talking through the events of the week and my Dad said something that really resonated with me: "Emily, you're not in the same condition that you were in back in 2009. You're in a different place. You were dehydrated when they couldn't find your veins. Now, you're not."

This may seem like a stretch to you, but to me, a lightbulb went off. There is pain, grief, shame and sorrow in my past that I don't want to revisit. There are moments in life when I felt like I was hung upside-down, screaming in pain, angry at myself or the decisions of those around me. Sometimes thinking back to those situations, people, and places makes me feel the pain all over again. I don't want to look at the dehydrated moments of my life. I want to run full-steam ahead.

But sometimes we have to face our fear, our pain, and our shame and choose to conquer it in order to move forward. Here's what I'm learning to embrace: I was in a different place emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally in the moments of my past that bring me pain. The decisions I made then stem from a dehydrated heart, a heart not choosing to be the woman God made me to be. I've found healing from my past hurts, habits and hang-ups by nourishing my soul—replenishing that which was dead with the life-giving water of Jesus. I'm not that broken-down girl who made the decisions I'm ashamed of anymore. I'm forgiven. I'm free. I'm redeemed. And I am whole.

That being said, I don't have to be terrified looking at my past. I don't need to be nervous, scared or ashamed when I walk into a place that reminds me of past decisions, or see an individual that makes me think of past hurt. I can stare at my pain and conquer it because I'm not that girl anymore. I'm changing, growing, healing, and becoming who God made me to be.

You see, sometimes we just have to stare at our pain head-on in order to discover healing and breakthrough. And please hear me: I'm not saying to be unwise here. It would be foolish of us to deliberately walk into unsafe, unhealthy situations that could cause us harm or stunt the growth God is doing in us. I'm talking about situations and circumstances outside of our control: memories, flashbacks, people, and the healing process itself. Healing takes time. It takes a whole lot of prayer. And it takes the courage to face your fears.

I'm thankful I'm not the same girl from 2009 who was so dehydrated that it took 16 tries before the 17th IV needle stuck. I'm thankful I was able to look fear in the face this week and have blood work done without being hung upside-down.

I'm thankful I'm not the same girl who made those mistakes she wishes she could forget. Now, quite honestly, I'm finally coming to a place where I actually believe it's ok to not be ok. And it's ok to make mistakes. Perhaps the biggest mistakes and some of my deepest pain will be how I can help people the most. If anything, my biggest mistakes and deepest pain and shame have helped me discover more of who Emily is—and isn't—than ever before. As a result, I've learned more about God's grace in a way I never imaged, and I'm finally beginning to believe that shame doesn't define me. The internal battles and fearful war can end because I'm not that same girl anymore. I'm a girl who can stare fear in the face...and win. I think it's time for us to stand up and squeeze the day.

stripping off the rags

I have clothed you with purpose.

Those words make my heart melt. Yesterday, I was reading Beth Moore's book, So Long, Insecurity, and in the particular chapter I was honing in on, Beth focused on Proverbs 31v25: "She is clothed with strength and dignity." Hang tight for a moment while I give some context to my opening statement. She. Is. Clothed. With. Strength. And. Dignity. Here, Beth reveals the fact that the majority of times we feel insecure come from when we feel overexposed...uncovered...at risk for someone to come along and see us for who we really are:

"I have come to a place where I'm willing to be transparent with my insecurity, but I find great relief that human eyes have to see it through the filter—the clothing—of my God-given strength and dignity. I don't have to stand before you or anybody else in total emotional nakedness. I have a scriptural covering that gives me the courage to expose my most personal self."

What I love about this truthful awakening is the fact that I am covered and I am clothed, made complete by God. He prepares me for the occasion before me.

This morning while taking communion at Church of Hope, I spent a few silent moments with God. What took my breath away was what I heard. No, I didn't hear a shout or an audible confirmation through a microphone. But I heard distinctly and clearly one sentence that's been on repeat in my brain since: I have clothed you with purpose.

In that moment, I felt God's future bursting into my present. Just minutes before, I was challenged with one question: what is it that I'm not trusting God in? Ouch. Here is where I usually try to justify my attempts at controlling a destination, when God has, in reality, called me to a direction. Living in the land between is a cocktail of adventure, opportunity, fun, and fear all mingled with emotions that make you feel like you're on a roller coaster. And sometimes that makes me feel overexposed, unprepared, and naked.

But trusting God and brokenness go hand-in-hand. It isn't until I come to the end of me, until I see my roller coaster mixture of fear as it is—a false attempt at control—and place that jumbled mess in the hands of my Creator, that the aroma of me is fully enjoyed. You see, I'm beginning to learn that the stuff to really be enjoyed in life...and I mean the stuff that life is truly made of—real, lasting, genuine joy, hope, love, confidence and strength—is found in brokenness, despair and hurt. I'm no Debbie-Downer and I'm not advocating living in self-degradation. I'm just saying it's time to stop trying to clothe ourselves with decaying, worn-out rags. It's time to strip the rags off and allow Christ to clothe us.

In the wandering of life and in the broken moments of despair, I come to the very end of me. I see me for who I really am and come to truly understand that if Jesus doesn't show up, it's game over. It's in that kind of trust that a joy I can't even explain comes pouring out.

This morning, in my own life, this simply looked like a girl opening up her hands to Jesus, asking Him to fill her. Stripping off my filthy, worn-out rags of fear and control, Jesus reached down, grabbed my hand and whispered, "I have clothed you with purpose." My story is headed somewhere and I'm going to be ok. Do I have the answers to what that somewhere looks like? Nope. The beautiful thing is I don't need them to thrive. I am clothed with purpose. My story is headed somewhere.

what coffee taught me about brokenness

Hitting my alarm clock with perhaps a little too much fervor, my brain tried to sort through the fog of typical morning questions like where am I? what day is it? am I supposed to be going to school? and why was I dreaming that I was going to Mexico? After I sorted through my confusion, I smiled, remembering I'm on Christmas break and can wake up lazily, enjoying the morning. In light of this revelation, I grabbed a sweatshirt and headed to the kitchen to make a fresh cup of French Press coffee.

Now, if you've never made a good 'ole cup of French Press, you're missing out. This is the BEST morning pick-me-up remedy out there. It's a simple process and delivers results that leave your taste buds dancing. But enough about that, back to the story at hand.

I found my way to the kitchen and began dumping heaping scoops of coffee beans into the French Press, topped with boiling water, and then sauntered off for a few minutes to let it steep.

Little did I realize that I had missed a vital step.

Instantly, as I poured my cup, I realized something was wrong. Coffee is not supposed to look like tea. And then it clicked. You're not supposed to put WHOLE coffee beans in the French Press! In order to make a delicious, flavor-filled cup of coffee, you must first grind the beans, breaking them apart.

Welcome round two.

After making my second round and inhaling that first delicious sip, I began thinking about life and what those coffee beans represented in me. Often, I forget (and perhaps don't want to accept!) that it's in being broken that the full flavor of me is exposed and poured out onto the world around me. 

I don't tend to appreciate brokenness. In fact, I run as fast as I can away from it. I've experienced it too many times and the uncomfortable weight of helplessness surrounding me makes me wish I had control. 

I think I'm supposed to live in brokenness though.

When I'm broken, there's nothing left of me...the only thing left for me to do is trust God. There are so many things in my life that I can't control: what I'll be doing after I graduate from college, if a relationship will work out or not, if my friendships will stand the test of time, where I'll live...the list could go on. And this is the point when I usually try to control those looming question marks in my life. I wrap them into tiny little coffee bean shapes and place them neatly in the French Press of my life. But I pillow my head at night dissatisfied because my life tastes like tea when I ordered coffee, flavorless and dull.

Do I believe God wants me to live in a broken state, depressed and in despair? Not at all. It's what I choose to do next in my brokenness and uncertainty that makes all the difference.

When I look at those looming question marks, what I do with them is what matters. I can either embrace the fact that I am not in control and allow everything of me to be broken, leaving room for me to trust God completely; or I can package my life into neat portions and live thinking I'm in control, but in reality feeling truly miserable.

Rich flavor is only found in brokenness. I want to become a person who lets her hair down, ditches perfection, wanders well, and welcomes brokenness with open arms.

don't bury the mess.

Life is messy.

Walking on the beach tends to bring all of my thoughts to the surface. You know, those random thoughts of to-do lists that never get done, books you want to read, people you want to connect with, who you want to be, and all those emotions about life under the surface that you didn't think were there. Yeah, those thoughts—or better yet, stream of consciousness.

On this particular morning, I created a mountain out of a mole hill. Something tiny irritated me. Frankly, something that wasn't the issue forced me to dive head-first into the real issue. So, walking on the beach, I began talking about it with my parents. Over the years, I have believed that in order to be positive, I need to stuff all of the negativity and pain inside...virtually pretending it never happened. I thought that in order to be positive, or see the good in life, I had to just ignore the bad—like a trade-off of sorts. The only problem with that logic was that during all that time of stuffing my pain away, I allowed it to boil up to the point that I broke down at a tiny thing that wasn't a big deal at all. I was the teapot we sang about as kids: I'm a little teapot short & stout. Here is my handle, here is my spout. When I get all steamed up, hear me shout "tip me over & pour me out!" After sharing my view on handling pain, my Dad said something that is changing the way I view life entirely:

"You don't ignore the pain. You identify and recognize it, but don't live there. Sunshine wouldn't have any meaning if there wasn't darkness. The darkness makes light that much sweeter. Allow the pain to make all of the good that much better. Don't try to ignore or destroy evil. Learn to trust God in the evil and let the joy of the Lord be your strength."

The problem isn't the pain. The greater issue isn't the pain. What matters is how I deal with it...how I learn and grow and navigate the waters of trusting God in it. In fact, living a great story requires stepping into the hard stuff of life. In his book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, Donald Miller writes, "I've wondered, though, if one of the reasons we fail to acknowledge the brilliance of life is because we don't want the responsibility inherent in the acknowledgement. We don't want to be characters in a story because characters have to move and breathe and face conflict with courage. And if life isn't remarkable, then we don't have to do any of that; we can be unwilling victims rather than grateful participants." Perhaps, the "mess of life"—that sticky, painful, difficult, seemingly negative stuff—is what I'm called to identify & recognize, and then trust God through it. Maybe, just maybe, the messy stuff that I try to bury is the very stuff that God is using to shape me into who I'm becoming.

In Bird by Bird, Anne Lammott says this about perfection:

"Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped & insane your whole life...Perfectionism means that you try desperately not to leave so much mess to clean up. But clutter & mess show us that life is being lived. Clutter is wonderfully fertile ground—you can still discover new treasures hidden under all those piles, clean things up, edit things out, fix things, get a grip. Tidiness suggests that something is as good as it's going to get. Tidiness makes me think of held breath, of suspended animation."

I'm beginning to see that life isn't about a clean, tidy, perfect picture. It's the scary, wild, spontaneous times of trusting God that I'll look back on & think, "Man, that was a good story." It's those moments of getting icing on your face & licking the bowl clean...those times of setting your alarm, grabbing a fresh cup of coffee, throwing on your swim suit, and watching the sun rise over the navy blue ocean....that moment when you risk everything to be honest with a friend, even if it means you might lose them....that time you stepped into your inciting incident because you just know God put it in your path so that you could begin living a better story. This is the stuff life is made of. But I can't get there by burying the mess.

these bruises make for better conversation

Today a new friend asked me a question that took me off guard and brought a surge of memories, relationships, feelings and fears to the surface...memories that I try to forget.

We were working on a project, and my friend asked how a tough situation in my past had affected me. I stumbled around for a second, trying to find the right words to say. "I, I don't know," I stuttered.  Over the next few milliseconds, my brain froze. Do I tell this new person deep, raw information about myself, my fears? Or just put on my game face, sweep it under the rug, and give the answers people usually want to hear? Before I could hesitate any longer, I leaped.

"No, I do know. I do know how it affected me." In many ways, that particular tough situation still does affect me to my core, shaking the contents of my heart and brain around like building blocks in a dryer. Loud and uncomfortable. Painful. That's why I don't let myself bring it to the surface. I trick myself into believing that the deeper I bury the reality of how I was affected, I will protect myself. That, however, only does more internal damage.

That initial question trailed into a full-blown, 30-minute conversation that felt more like a wrestling match inside my head. What this person was asking me about required me to reveal my true thoughts...something I'm often not willing to do.

"So, what sets you off?" my friend asked.

"Not knowing where I stand with people," I replied.

"What do you mean?"

Over the past seven years, I've lived in a season of change. Good, frustrating, annoying, humiliating, scary change. In this season, I have really, really struggled with trusting, loving and forgiving people. One minute, they love you and the next you're out like last year's fashion wondering what went wrong. Through that, I've learned to protect myself by building walls around my heart, not opening up honestly to people, masking my emotions with my "game face," and constantly living with the feeling of walking on a tight rope, afraid that it will snap at any given point.

Truth is, we've all got bruises.

Every person that has been woven into the story of my life was written in for a reason. It may have only been for a chapter, or even just a page, but they were written into my story. Sometimes I don't like why their character was suddenly pulled out of my life or the situation surrounding it. And there are times when I just seriously want other characters erased forever from my memory. But those lives that have intersected with mine are significant. They have bruises too.

"How do you let people know where you stand with them?"

That question threw me back. I had honestly never thought about it before. I am so consumed with how people treat me, figuring out their agenda, or deciding if they're honest or not, that I'm missing what I'm communicating to them--and ultimately myself. I'm missing out on the fact that I'm not being honest either, wearing my mask like I'm living in some gaudy masquerade ball, hiding my feelings because I'm too afraid that if I'm honest I'll just get burned like every other time I've opened up.

After our conversation, I struggled, letting questions tumble around in my head: did I answer the questions the right way? Should I have answered differently? Does my friend think I'm a total loser when it comes to the people department? I mean, I work in a church! Shouldn't I be a pro at dealing with people?

I grabbed my car keys, started the ignition, and began to drive home, questions still shaking around in my brain like animated iPhone apps. When the radio came on, the first lyrics to reach my ears were from Train's new album. Floored, overwhelmed and actually, relieved, I listened to the sweet words entering my ears, "These bruises make for better conversation, loses the vibe that separates. It's good to let you in again. You're not alone in how you've been. Everybody loses--we all got bruises."

My story is significant and worth more than shoving down the drain. Yes, I've been bruised. But so have the people who have bruised me. It's time to let people in again. Breathe in. Breathe in and out again. I'm pretty sick of always putting on my "game face" and trying to hide my story, my past--it just took taking a leap and answering really hard questions as rawly as I could to see that.

To my friend, keep the tough questions coming. We've all got bruises.

thankful for the messy moments in life

As my thoughts begin to turn towards what I am thankful for this Thanksgiving, one thought has been continually crossing my mind: I am thankful for the messy moments in my life.

Looking over moments and snap-shots throughout my 19 years of living, I know that I have been truly blessed. I have experienced great memories from meeting new friends, attending three different high schools, being on my high school swim team, being a final four finalist for Brio Magazine's Brio Girl 2008, cheering on the Gators at countless football games, awesome road trips with my family, experiencing my love for design and communications grow, and just watching God at work in my life. I have SO MUCH to be thankful for!

Looking through these amazing memories, I also know that there have been some major messy moments in my life as well. Surprisingly, looking back on these moments, I am truly thankful for them. Jordan Vale (Meadowbrook Church's C20 leader) said this past week that "broken bones are a part of God's redemption story." This quote really resonated inside of me. Looking at all of my messy moments, I see now that it was in those very moments, that God was shaping me into who I am becoming. Without those times, I believe that I would be a completely different person.

In the messy moments of life, I am learning to TRUST God in ways that I never have before. I am learning to love being me--failures and all. I am learning that perfection is over-rated and unattainable. I am seeing true beauty, not its airbrushed counterpart. I am learning what loving people really looks like. Messy moments sure don't feel fun at the time, but they are stepping stones to drawing me closer to the heart of God and making me the broken-down Jesus girl that He wants me to be.

God, thank you for the messy moments of my life. They truly have become defining moments. They are beautiful to me.

It's beautiful to me, Your holy mystery. I'm standing here in awe of how You make everything. So beautiful to me, someday I will see how You hold this wounded heart and make it perfect and complete. And it's beautiful to me. ("Beautiful to Me" by Kerrie Roberts)

Not a Hollywood Hot Pink Love

Lately I have been writing about the mess that we find so often in life--walking and leading through shades of grey, closed doors, new opportunities, and stepping out in faith. And, quite honestly, I have been learning that this mess was designed to help us grow and reach our full potential so that we can thrive. Think back to a time when you felt lost in the mess of life...how did you feel while you were in the dark?--how did you feel when you came out? This mess brings us to a point in our lives where we aren't where we were, but not yet where we want to be. In this land of between we must choose to trust God so that He can grow us up!

Living in these moments sure isn't easy though. It is easy to write about...to sing about...to dream and think about; but when we get right down to it, why is it that we struggle just living in the mess? Why do we feel like we need to take back the reins of life and figure everything out? I believe it all boils down to two things: 1) we aren't trusting God, and 2) we haven't truly experienced the magnitude of His love.

The love of Jesus Christ is not from some Hollywood chick flick. The love of Christ is never-ending. His love is all-consuming and powerful. His love celebrates weakness because in our weakness we have the opportunity to bring glory to His Name. His love never leaves--even when we are angry, hurt, and confused. His love doesn't give up on us. His love is so great that He sent His only Son to die to save us (John 3:16). His love fills us, completes us, redeems us. His love guides us. His love is indescribable.

If we truly take the time to sit in the magnitude of His tremendous love for us and just try to think about how much He loves us, I can guarantee you that you won't be able to walk away unchanged.

The song below is a "celebration of weakness and anger and of a God who would hang with us through those things despite who we are."

How He Loves : A Song Story from john mark mcmillan on Vimeo.

Closed Doors & Beautiful Opportunities

"Don’t know how it is You looked at me and saw the person that I could be; awakening my heart, breaking through the dark, suddenly Your grace..."

Have you ever had one of those days when in a split second you suddenly wanted to burst into tears? It's like the world is full of endless open opportunities and then suddenly, without any warning, something happens that brings rain crashing onto your parade. Maybe you received a lower score than you needed to pass a class. Perhaps you found out that your parents who had been married for 30 years were unexpectedly getting a divorce. Or maybe a friend said something hurtful. Sometimes it just feels like doors close....and quite honestly, those feelings are extremely hard to wrestle through.

God takes us, blesses us, breaks us, and gives us out for His glory. Right in those instances of feeling like doors in your life are closing or things are suddenly falling apart, know that God is with you in that exact moment.

This past week, I felt God walking with me through a situation that broke me. The cool part was that not even 30 minutes after that door in my life closed, I began to watch God give me out for His glory. To get to that point where I could watch His plans unfold, I had to change my mindset. Quite honestly, that is extremely hard to do on my own. So I talked to two people who I knew would pray for me--and you know what, they did & I could feel it! After I released what I felt like was something closing in my life, I changed my focus to praising Him--even though I didn't understand the situation. In the midst of praising Him this week, the new open opportunities have not stopped pouring in! I seriously look back at this week utterly amazed at how one minute I was feeling like I was about to burst into tears and then the next watching God open up brand new doors right before my eyes! I know that it is a continual process of Him blessing me, breaking me, and giving me out, but I am certain of this: He has prepared me & He never leaves me. He equips me for every moment and after every single hurt or heartbreak, I know that He makes me stronger. He is making my life into something beautiful.

"Like sunlight burning at midnight, making my life something so beautiful, beautiful. Mercy reaching to save me, all that I need You are so beautiful, beautiful."

Why Does God Allow Suffering Continued

A few posts ago we talked about why God allows suffering to happen. To recap what we said think about the following main points.....

1. Just because you are a follower of Christ doesn't mean that things will always go your way.
2. Nothing can happen to us unless God allows it to happen.
   
3. God's ultimate purpose is for us to be more like Christ.
   

The question that we were left to meditate on was "is God worth following when nothing is going my way?" That is still such a tough question for me to asnwer. I want to say that I trust God wholeheartedly, but still I must make that choice everyday to put every single thing in His hands. It is not easy, but it is a deliberate choice--not a feeling.

Tragedy doesn't make sense to us. It just doesn't make sense that our parents would get divorced or that our best friend would be diagnosed with leukemia at such a young age. Pain does not make sense, but God will make it make sense for us. In time you will understand why you had to go through your storm.

Pain is not about God getting back at you for sinning. Pain is all about accepting Jesus Christ who has already paid the price that I fully deserve for my sins. You see, I am a sinner. It is only through the grace and mercy of Christ that I can walk away from death. Jesus Christ paid the penalty for my sins and for your sins. The whole point of pain is to see if we will accept Jesus' gift that we can walk away from death. We can run into His arms of protection and security.

In life you will be tested. You will be tested materially, financially, physically, spiritually, through popularity, and by your family. But the most important challenge that we will face is in what we think of God and who He is. We want an "ordered" God who fits neatly into our worlds, but that is not how God is. We can never understand God! Job asked God many questions for Him to answer Him according to who He was, but you know what? In Job 38-42 God asked Job 70 questions and proved to Job that he could never understand God completely. The only thing that Job could do was worship God and love Him. Don't try to "figure it all out," just practice trusting.

"When belief in God becomes difficult the tendency is to turn from Him, but in heaven's name to what?" ~G.K. Cherston

4. It is our job to get involved with what God is doing through our suffering. The question we must ask ourselves is "how can I get involved with the work of God in this situation?" not "what caused this suffering?"

In the brutal face of pain and suffering we will wither move towards God or away from Him. The choice is ultimately up to you.

Why Does God Allow Suffering?

Why did God allow my parents to get divorced?
Why did I get accused of something that I didn't do?
Why does life hurt so much?
Why did my best friend betray me?
Why did he use me that way?
Why.........

There are so many questions that we could ask God "why?" in this world. I think the biggest question that could sum them all up would be "why does God allow suffering?"

This past Wednesday night my youth pastor spoke about this very question. He pointed out that one piece of fiction that many people believe is that "if God loves me, then He will always bless me." God's number one priority in this life is not our happiness or pleasure. His number one priority is that we become more like Christ and maintain and meaningful relationship with Him. A great example of pain in the Bible is Job. Job was a follower of Christ and he was blessed with many earthly treasures. Job 1 talks about how Satan came to God and told Him that if anything bad happened to Job, that Job would certainly curse God. Well, God told the devil to go ahead and test Job's character. The first point is just because you are a Christ follower doesn't mean that things will go your way. 1 Peter 5:8 says, "Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." This is such an important verse for us to live by! We must guard our hearts and our actions because the devil wants to devour us. My youth pastor used the illustration of a gazelle hiding from a lion. The gazelle sees the lion coming and just tries to hide, even though its antlers are still visible over its hiding place! Once the lion starts running closer to it, the gazelle begins to run and trips and injures itself. The lion did this deliberately. He waited for the gazelle to get injured so that he could have a tasty dinner. that is exactly what the devil does to us. He waits for us to be in our weakest moment: when our boyfriend breaks up with us, when we get a bad grade, or when we don't make the cheer leading squad. Then he begins to taunt us, telling us that we are not good enough and that we should curse God--he tries to make us believe that God has left us all alone; when, in all reality, God has never left our side--we have simply taken our focus off of Him. Nothing can happen to us unless God allows it to happen. This is what happened in Job's case. God allowed him to be tested. God wanted to see if Job would be more like Christ through his pain. A question that we must ask ourselves is "am I following God because I love the things He gives me or because I fear Him?" A great worship song goes something like this: "He gives and takes away. My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name." Wow. When God takes away will I really choose to sing praises to Him? That is pretty tough! Job experienced insurmountable pain and loss yet he never stopped praising God. That amazes me! God's ultimate purpose is for us to be like Christ. God isn't out to get us or to make our lives miserable. The price of following Jesus is high. We have not chosen an easy road, but we must remember that we signed up for it! God just wants to help us to be the best that we can be. We can make it through anything if we keep our eyes firmly focused on Him. Stay tuned for part two coming up soon.

Is God worth following when nothing is going your way?

I'll Never Let Go...

This morning I read an amazing verse in Psalm 91. This verse is so awesome--it reminds us of how Jesus protects us. For the whole context, check out Psalm 91 and then we will zone-in on verse four.

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked. If you make the Most High your dwelling—even the LORD, who is my refuge--then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. You will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent. "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."

Now let's take a look at verse 4: He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. Wow, God will cover us with His wings. That is a really cool mental picture; I mean, just imagine one of your most terrifying moments and then in the midst of your pain, Jesus wrapping His arms around you and keeping you safe. Wow! Jesus chooses to step in the middle of your pain, hurt, confusion, and fear and wrap his loving arms around you to secure you during the storm. During those moments, make sure you allow His embrace to encompass you and allow Him to guide you through your decisions. In the midst of pain it is extremely easy to make a hasty decision based on our emotions. But in a time of confusion, we need to lock eyes with Jesus and base our decisions on Him. As the David Crowder Band sings, "Oh no, you never let go. Through the calm and through the storm. Oh no, you never let go. Lord you never let go of me!"


Hold tightly to Jesus--I promise you that He will never let go of you. Trust Him on that.

Reaching Out to a World that Breaks

Take a look around. There are hurting people everywhere. You have been hurt by this thing called life and so have I. We live in a world that breaks. What can we do about that? Is it alright to simply slap a band-aid on the globe or is there something so much more that we need (and can) do?

In order to help those around us we must first seek Jesus. We ourselves hurt and break. People lie to us, friendships are broken, our parents get divorced, our boyfriend cheats on us, we are misunderstood and misused. There is real pain and hurt in the world and as Christians, we experience that brokenness too. But, we have Someone that we can turn to for strength in the midst of our pain. We have Someone who will lift our burdens and comfort us.

I firmly believe that every circumstance that we go through and experience is for a reason. God can use your pain to help someone else come closer to Him. Maybe you never thought that something good could come out of your parents' divorce until the moment you shared your story with a girl at school and as a result she began to attend church with you. Maybe you never thought anything good could come from your unwanted pregnancy until you found the opportunity to share your story with pre-teen girls and saved them from pre-marital sex. God can use our brokenness to point the lost to His arms. We just have to be willing to share our scars and bruises. Yep, they hurt and they are not pretty to look at. Most of the time we really don't want to re-surface those memories, but there can be real healing when we do. And when we allow Jesus to use us to help someone else, we are blessed in return. The pain you have experienced in life is still there, but now instead of it crippling you, you have allowed Jesus to empower you.

Once we really wrestle with God and allow Him to take control in the midst of life's thunderstorms, we need to look for opportunities to glorify Him. Simply put, praise Jesus in every situation. When you are crying out for help, praise Him for hearing you. And when you are rejoicing in the sunlight, praise Him for His faithfulness. People watch how you live. They want to see if you can overcome obstacles and when they see that you indeed can overcome they wonder "how?" This is the perfect time to point them to your Creator.

I have been able to connect with people who have been "on the outside looking in" or so to speak. I like to keep a special eye out for new kids at youth group or school because I know how hard it is to try to fit in at a new school or church. I know the pain that can come with moving and trying to meet new friends. But instead of forgetting that feeling, I have chosen to remember the pain of when I didn't really "fit in" because then I can help other new people feel welcomed.

If there is only one thing that you do, simply love others. A famous quote goes something like this, "People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care." Care about the world around you. Don't forget what it feels like to cry out to God. Too often we cry out to Jesus in our weakness and forget about Him in our strength. Remember Him when you are standing on the mountain and help those around you climb to the top.

Across the Sky's song Broken World is an amazing song in how we can cling to Jesus through the pain and point this "Broken World" around us to Him.

Promises shattered Answers don't come Friends say goodbye Plans come undone Dreams get crushed Lies get told Words can turn cruel Hearts can grow cold In a broken world where we cry to feel Some hope that helps these hearts to heal You're my strength, You're my refuge In a broken world, Jesus I'm holding to You You make sense of the madness And You make darkness flee You bring such a calm To the chaos in me Show me life Tell me truth Day after day I keep running to You

Jesus promises "I will never leave you or forsake you..." and He will be there with you through the sunshine and the rain. He will guide you as you hug those in need. After all, we are His hands and feet...

I'll Praise You in this Storm

Have you ever asked God the famous one-word question, "WHY?" Have you ever just really struggled with difficult situations that are going on around you and found yourself wallowing in self-pity? These feelings are common--tragedy happens. It's called life! (I am not saying that life is a tragedy--I am saying that stuff happens in this thing we call life!) There is a guy in the Bible who faced some pretty difficult storms in his lifetime. There were many times when he asked God "why???" and wondered why in the world certain things were happening to him. Maybe you can guess who this guy is. His name is David. David went through so many ups and downs--kind of like a roller coaster! One minute he is a young shepherd boy defeating a giant and the next he is committing adultery. Then there is the time he is called a man after God's own heart and the moments he is hiding out in a cave from his enemies. David experienced the storms of this life and he questioned God. But what I appreciate about David is that while he questioned God, he did not forget to praise Him. In the midst of David's storms, he chose to worship God. Notice the fact that this was a choice. Praising God was not a feeling or a sudden impulse. It was a choice that David had to make. And believe me, this is not easy! When storms surround us it is so much easier to adopt a "woe is me" mindset and give God the silent treatment. But, in all reality, does that help the situation? Nope. I once heard this amazing quote from John Maxwell, "What happens in us is more important than what happens to us." Wow, did you catch that? The circumstances around us are not that important, our reaction to them is what really matters. So many of the storms that we face are great exercises to help us grow in our faith and trust in Jesus, but we cannot grow if we don't make the deliberate choice to praise Jesus even when we don't understand what is going on. Check out Psalm 57, it is a great example of David praising God in the midst of his storms.

Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, for in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed. I cry out to God Most High, to God, who fulfills {his purpose} for me. He sends from heaven and saves me, rebuking those who hotly pursue me; Selah God sends his love and his faithfulness. I am in the midst of lions; I lie among ravenous beasts—men whose teeth are spears and arrows, whose tongues are sharp swords. Be exalted, O God, above the heavens; let your glory be over all the earth. They spread a net for my feet—I was bowed down in distress. They dug a pit in my path—but they have fallen into it themselves. Selah My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast; I will sing and make music. Awake, my soul! Awake, harp and lyre! I will awaken the dawn. I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples. For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies. Be exalted, O God, above the heavens; let your glory be over all the earth.

(Psalm 57:1-11)

Notice that immediately after describing the fierce lions and danger surrounding him, David praises God! That is something that I want to do when life's pressures weigh in on me! When the blackness of the storms of this world encave around me, I want to look into Jesus' eyes and fell His love wrap around me. That sounds a whole lot better than self-pity!

Something to Remember...

There will be times in life when circumstances overtake you and you have no satisfying answer for why you have to have such a hard time.

Death. Hurt. Pain. Unfair circumstances. Tragedy.

During times when answers cannot be found, remember:

God is still in control.

God has not left you.

God is still God.

I will never leave you or forsake you.
~Joshua 1:5

(adapted from Between the Lines by Jeffrey Dean)

The Crashes of this Life

This past weekend five young men were in a car accident in Ocala, my new hometown. Tonight I went with several friends to the memorial service for Joshua, Jacob, Dustin, James, and Isaac. I was blown away as I watched a room fill to overflowing with friends and family. My heart broke as I watched friends literally sob. I cried out to God as I hugged a girl I didn't even know and told her that I was praying for her. In one short weekend these five friends were gone--what a tragedy.

My heart cries to Jesus as I wonder if these boys knew him personally. Did anyone ever tell them about Him? Their faces remind me of the people that walk the halls at my school. Have they ever heard of the hope that they can find in Jesus Christ? My heart broke as the faces of people that I saw every day at my old school came to mind and I wondered, "why didn't I say more about Jesus?!" I know that I do not want to be in Heaven someday and then see a sobbing friend who points at me and ask why I didn't tell them about the hope that have. Life is so short and tonight I really realized for the first time how important every moment really is. I mean, I do not know if I will wake up in the morning. If I were to die I want to be remembered as a woman who spread the news about Jesus everywhere she was and lived out the hope that she has. As I watched grown men break down as sob tonight, my heart sobbed for all of the people that I just pass by everyday and don't say anything to.

The faces of those five boys look just like the kids I am with everyday. I want to tell everyone about Jesus' love because then when the crashes of this world do happen, I can know that their is hope.

Strength in the Midst of a Lock-Down

This morning in my devotions God led me to the precious pages of Psalms for the strength that I would need later today. He led me to Psalm 56:3-4 which says, "When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?"

Little did I know how much strength those verses would give me today.

After first period I went to my second period class like usual. I said hi to my friend Cassie and we talked about this past weekend's state championship swim meet. My AP English teacher began our lesson when an announcement rang through our classroom...."Attention teachers and students, we are in Code Red. Let me repeat, CODE RED!" Immediately my classroom was a mixture of chaos filled with panicking students. Was this just a drill or was something terribly wrong? A few moments later, we were informed of a shooting in the Ft. Lauderdale/Hollywood area. The shooter was on the loose and all Broward County schools were in lock-down mode. We locked the doors, closed the hurricane shutters, and quickly texted our parents to try and get more information. In the midst of panicking, God brought Psalm 56:3-4 back to my mind. He whispered, "Emily, you are safe in my hands. Trust me. What can mortal man do to you?" I realized then and there that God had specifically led me to those to special verses for this very day. While students were panicking around me, I prayed to Jesus for peace. Eventually the lock-down was gradually lifted as they allowed students to go to lunch. No one was allowed on or off the school's campus. I called my Daddy....I left a message and prayed that he wouldn't get too worried. God had a plan for today. Police finally caught the suspect in the early afternoon. Our lock-down was lifted and the day returned to its normal routine. The important lesson that God shared with me is that He will always prepare me and shape me for His plans in my life. Today was a huge realization that I can trust God in any and every situation--including that of my physical safety. We didn't have all of the information during the lock-down. We didn't even know how close the suspect could have been to our school. But I knew that my God was in control and my devotions this morning helped me to trust Him with all of my heart.

Psalm 56:3-4 (MSG)

"When I get really afraid I come to you in trust. I'm proud to praise God; fearless now, I trust in God. What can mere mortals do?"

Beauty From Pain Stories...

Lately, God has been teaching me the principle of beauty from pain. We don't normally associate beauty and pain together. Society tells us that pain is a bad thing when in all reality, pain helps us become who God wants us to be. This does not diminish the hurt that comes from painful situations. Life hurts, the important aspect is how we respond to that hurt. How you respond to the pain in your life is how you will experience beauty from pain. God is molding and shaping you right now. Circumstances in life don't always work out as we hope they will, but learning to celebrate life with God is the key to true joy.

I would love to hear your story. How have you experienced beauty from pain? I would love to pray with and for you as you are on this dusty path called life. I am in the same boat you are in. I am walking the same hallways at school and watching the same pain in my friends' lives as you are. We are in this together! If you want to share your story with me, please email me at emilybc@bellsouth.net. Maybe God will use your story to encourage someone else!

I Think I See An Audible Headed My Way!

Yesterday I saw Disney's new movie The Game Plan with my Daddy. It was the perfect Daddy/daughter date! The message the movie has to offer is incredible. Every aspect of the movie is perfect because it includes family, dance, football, a love story, and a twist. What more could you ask for?! One of the underlying themes of the movie was adjusting to the curve balls that life throws your way and learning as you grow. Joe ("The Rock") was a famous Boston football player and he unexpectedly finds out that he has an eight-year-old daughter. One night when he and his daughter have an argument, he tells her that he is learning the daddy role as he goes. He compares life to football and explains an audible. In football, an audible is when you have to change your game plan or take a detour in the middle of a play. In the middle of Joe's life he experienced an audible--he found out that he had an eight-year-old daughter and he immediately had to join the daddy team. He had to learn how to be a daddy every day through new experiences. The same concept can be applied to my life and to your life. As we walk through our day, new situations and experiences are thrown at us. How we respond is so important. God wants us to experience beauty from pain. When we experience this beauty, we are learning from the pain that we are experiencing and stepping out into a brighter future. When we choose to engage in an audible, we are choosing to grow from the challenges that come our way. Playing an audible doesn't necessarily mean that your response will be perfect. An audible is all about thinking on your feet. You won't always have the choice to receive counsel from your parents or write in your journal for a couple hours to figure out what is wrong and the right decision to make. Sometimes life throws us lemons and we need to quickly make lemonade with what we have. The one source that is always with you is Jesus Christ. He will never leave you or forsake you. He is with you as you walk the hallways at school and as you dance in your dance class. He is ALWAYS with you! He will help you with the audibles of life. Choose to engage in His guidance.

You Are Not Invisible

The past few days I have just really been struggling and then today God pointed me in the direction of Psalm 139. Do you ever feel invisible or just not quite good enough? I know I have sure felt that way! A couple minutes ago as I was reading the special words of Psalm 139, God whispered reassuringly, "I am with you. I have always been with you. I created you and you are good enough. I already knew that you were going to struggle today, but today is a part of my process of refining you and shaping you into who I want you to be." You see, I can walk the hallways at school and feel invisible and like I'm not pretty enough, smart enough, or "cool" enough, but worrying about all of that wouldn't do me any good. All of those worries racing around in my head are lies. Lies planted there by the devil. He wants me to fail. He wants me to wallow in self-pity. I must make the deliberate decision to fight against those feelings of depression and believe me that is not easy! I would rather feel sorry for myself and eat a tub of ice-cream! But the process of God shaping me into who He wants me to be has to be painful. Ouch.....did I really say that? Yep. When a dancer stretches and tries to become more flexible, pain is involved. After a couple weeks of intense pain, she finally reaches her goal. She can now do the splits, but that was only a result of fighting through the pain. Life is the same way. Curve balls are thrown at us all the time. How we respond to those curve balls is so important. God is shaping me today and at first I didn't want to budge off the couch of self-pity, but Psalm 139 has shown me that not only am I created beautifully, but also that I am not alone.



Psalm 139

O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you. If only you would slay the wicked, O God! Away from me, you bloodthirsty men! They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name. Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD, and abhor those who rise up against you? I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies. Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Through My Hazel Eyes...

Dear God,

So many things have been on my heart (and mind) lately. So many unanswered questions are spinning around in my head. Yet in the middle of the whirling thoughts and my crazy life, I want to live for you with my entire being. I want to be one with you. I want my heart to ache when your heart aches and I want to cry when you cry. I want to laugh when you laugh and smile at the things that make you smile. I want to be so in tune with you that nothing else can get in. Right here and now I feel you. Here in my backyard as I look at the palm trees and the clear, blue sky I can feel your love. I can feel your presence right now all around me. In the midst of my spinning and out of control world, my life has stopped right here and I can feel you sitting with me. Earlier this afternoon it stormed outside. The sky was filled with big, gray clouds as rain poured into my backyard. The electricity flickered on and off. Lightning cracked and rumbled and thunder boomed overhead. Now the storm has stopped. The sky is a painting of shades of blue and wisps of light, fluffy clouds. The lake is completely calm and the palm trees are standing perfectly still. The scene is beautiful--it could be a postcard. Just two hours ago there was a completely different picture in front of me. It reminds me of my life and what you have been teaching me lately with the whole concept of beauty from pain. My life has been a roller coaster of ups and downs. Great experiences and constant uphill battles. But, I think that's how life is supposed to be; although, that doesn't make pain less intense. I mean, why do people hurt other people? Why are we the instigators of pain and hurt? I know the answer...sin. There is sin in the world. Don't get me wrong, my life is not a depressing sob story. The reason it isn't is because I have you. I want to be with you more and more every day. I yearn and thirst for you. When I don't focus on you, life starts spiralling downward extremely fast. I know that I go through pain to grow, but sometimes it is still hard in the midst of it. It is hard to keep my eyes on you. When my life is filled with gray storm clouds it is so hard to visualize the clear, blue skies you are leading me to. When I don't look to you for my confidence, my life seems to be filled with big, black clouds and I know why. I know the lesson of beauty from the pain in my life. You have been trying to impress this lesson upon my life for a while now. The people around me will fail me. People I have thought really loved me and cared about me have completely disowned me. People that I have trusted have decided that they don't want to be a part of my life anymore and that hurts. I have failed myself....hello, I am the farthest thing from perfect! But, through this pain I have seen that you have never left my side. The only constant in my life is you. Wow, I am just letting that sink in. You have never and will never leave me! You have held my hand and wrapped your arms around me through the storms of life and the sad thing is that in the middle of the pain I questioned you. I angrily asked why you were allowing this to happen. I know that you patiently whispered, "Trust me and just hold on." Psalm 23 is so true. When I was hurting you were hurting. When I rejoiced you rejoiced. Pain is really something that we should rejoice in. Pain has brought me to where I am today. I wouldn't have the same passions I have today if I didn't go through the pain I went through yesterday. The best thing about pain is that is has pushed me so much closer to you. God, thank you for sticking with me. I can see those blue skies coming. In the middle of the storm clouds I will trust you and simply praise you through the storm. I love you.

Love,

Emily

(Adapted from Emily's Prayer Journal. September 2, 2007.)